Revisions and Removals

I have removed several entries I have made regarding an ongoing issue within myself. I have decided to keep only the positive entries I have made regarding this ongoing issue mainly because of my embarassment with myself for going too far with my anger.

Things are going as perfect as perfect can humanly be. I am scared, excited, worried, anxious (possibly because of the coffee), and a bunch of other emotions I cannot begin to explain. I am blessed with what I need most.

In the comming days, weeks, months, and years, I will not be able to remember what I posed on those previous deleted entries. I will not remember why I even posted this one.

It would be better for me to focus on the positive and remember the feelings of the negative, if only to remind me of how to not execute certain actions.

Dreams

5/5/2009

I had a dream that I was in an argument with my family members regarding my best friend. I woke up and everything felt wierd. That day, I spoke with my mom about certain issues that revolve around what is happening with my extended family. It seems that things are staying the same and/or not progressing. I have not taken the time to analyze the dream, but I think I will do now.

The dream may have something to do with my frustration with what is going on with how my extended family members judge all newcommers. I do not want that to happen to my best friend and therefore I argued with everyone..but especially one is particular. One that is not even of blood ties.

5/6/2009

I woke up angry this morning because I had a dream that my best friend ditched me for another person. My two cousins Oliver and Vinnie were in the dream and we were about to go somewhere, but instead I opted to wait for my best friend. I then receive a call from her saying that she has somewhere else to be. I give chase, but then she is too far away. I remember that she is driving a red car. I remember that I woke up furious.

I spoke to her briefly this morning. She had a long night and was tired from the ordeal. We did not exchange too many words, but we exchanged affectionate sounds between one another. We ended the conversation well enough, but I do not know what to make of the dream.

Certain statements that my mom made must have gotten to me. I realize that I do not treat people I value well at all, other than my best friend. My mom is right, I need to change my attitude more. I need to start taking things from the people I value at face value. Not everyone has an ulterior motive behind them. Some people are bound to the terms of their life for that moment, and they have no choice but to move forward until they can break free of those chains.

I keep waivering even though I tell myself that I will not. I need to stay consistent for her. To her, I am the only consistent thing in her life right now, and I aim to be that way. I cannot be a jealous person, but I must be firm in what I stand for. I must understand that she will have friends of the opposite sex and people of the opposite sex who will make advances towards her. I must feel confident in myself and not put myself down and progress forward with my head held up high. I must be, not only for myself, but for her.

I have shown and will continue to show her why I care for her so much. I am her Teddy Bear, and I always will be. I'll never give her a half ass saying again. I must control my automatic reaction to totally drop something or someone the moment things go sour. I must put in work in order to feel the thrill of progress. I must realize that things happen at their pace for whatever reasons there are. I must stop trying to find the underlying reason for everything and focus on the issue(s) at hand. I can still indulge myself in solving the mystery, but at the same time I must first carefully work to solve the issue. Once the issue has been solved, then I will move forward with the next thing and then the next. I must do these things and more, and I will.

I LOVE Igloos Sand And stuff.

Progress

I spoke with my friend regarding an issue that has been ripping me apart inside since April 17, 2009. I do not want to re-count the entire discussion; but I learned a very important life lesson about people. Human beings need to be understanding about the circumstances that surround the other people around them. My insecurity and wild imagination almost cost me a very valued friendship, one that I want to continue for as long as I can (rest of my life).

"Life is a work in progress. You always need to keep working on it. If you want this to work out, you need to be willing to accept the good and the bad. You need to be able to be flexible. You need to be able to understand."

"If you are ever unsure of anything, if you are worried, or if you don't understand, all you need to do is ask me."

"You cannot be so concrete about any situation. Life is never that concrete, things change in an instant. What happens if the situation you have a concrete answer for changes into something totally different? What happens then? If you are never able to be flexible, then you will be unable to cope with the progress of life itself."

I am so thankful that I have a friend who is patient and understanding.

Even though I do not agree with her point, she has not given me any indication that my assumptions will happen. True, there are always those deviations that may cause things to not work out, but those are deviations are in any type of situation, personal, professional, or otherwise. It is useless to worry too much about something that may not even occur. I find it hard to not do so, but I feel with my friend with me, I can do it.

Oh I almost forgot another quote: "Loosen up!!"

Most importantly: "Take care of the people that love you."

Addendum

If anyone ever reads this, I just reazlied that I'm very unreasonable.

I looked back at my old blogs and just looked at the mistakes that I have made. Suddenly, whatever emotions I had...are gone.

Never again.

Days 1-4 So Far

It was only four days ago that I found out some shocking news about someone who is very important to me. Until these issues have been fixed, this person will remain annonymous.

The first three days were great. We were talking, texting, as if nothing has changed. Then last evening, we had a talk about how I felt under appreciated. I made a mistake. I got very selfish and wanted this person to feel the same way about me immediately.

I'll never get that selfish again. I'm in this type of situation because I was head strong and did not listen to the advice this person gave me at the start of this.

I need to chill out and let things come as they may.